Partners stop being curious about one another. One person increasingly feels relieved when the other is not around. Another begins to think: 鈥淚鈥檓 not sure I still have the strength to be in this relationship.鈥� It is precisely this moment, before a relationship completely breaks down or before a serious crisis emerges, that I find particularly interesting from a scientific perspective. In my research, I examine what happens to a relationship when resources begin to run low: emotional, cognitive, relational and social. I am interested not only in why people separate but also in what happens when, despite hurt, overload or infidelity, they try to understand their relationship and decide what comes next, says Julitta D臋bska, a doctoral student at the 91桃色.
When Love Begins to Burn Out
Burnout is most often discussed in the context of work. It turns out, however, that a similar mechanism can also be observed in romantic relationships. In a study I conducted in collaboration with researchers from the United States, we analysed the factors leading to relationship burnout, explains Julitta D臋bska, a doctoral student at the Doctoral School of Social Sciences of the 91桃色. A total of 463 people in romantic relationships took part in the two stages of the study. The results identified two important dimensions: exhaustion and distancing from one鈥檚 partner, and relational overload.
The first dimension includes experiences such as emotional distance, boredom, lack of appreciation, weakened communication, as well as unmet emotional and sexual needs. The second concerns an excess of tensions and demands: responsibilities, pressure, family conflicts, lack of personal space, or the feeling that the relationship is beginning to consume more energy than it provides in support. This is important because a crisis rarely appears suddenly. Long before something visible from the outside occurs, fatigue, emotional distance and a loss of the feeling of being valued may gradually accumulate within a relationship.
What Exactly Is Infidelity?
One of the most painful crises in a relationship is infidelity. In my research, however, I do not treat it simply as a single event that either 鈥渄estroys a relationship鈥� or 鈥渄oes not destroy a relationship鈥�. I am more interested in what happens afterwards: how the betrayed person understands what happened, how they try to regain a sense of security, and what helps or hinders their adaptation within the relationship if they decide to stay in it.
The first question seems deceptively simple: what exactly is infidelity? For one person, it may involve sexual contact. For another, it may mean emotional intimacy with someone else, hidden conversations, online flirting, sexting or crossing boundaries on social media. In research examining how people define infidelity, I analysed responses from individuals who had personally experienced unfaithfulness. Two groups participated in the studies: 184 and 390 people. The results showed that behaviours regarded as infidelity cluster around three areas: emotional, sexual and solitary. Solitary behaviours refer here to activities that do not require direct interaction with another person but relate to sexuality, desire or directing attention towards someone outside the relationship, such as viewing pornography alone, masturbation, or finding another person attractive.
The fact that online behaviours did not form a separate category was particularly interesting. Instead, they were usually classified as emotional or sexual infidelity, depending on their significance for the relationship. This suggests that, psychologically, the most important issue is not always whether something happened 鈥渋n real life鈥� or online. More important is the question: did the behaviour violate the sense of uniqueness, loyalty, intimacy or sexual exclusivity?
What Comes After Trust Is Lost?
After infidelity, simply naming what happened is usually not enough. The betrayed person often lives with tension: they want to know, but are afraid to know; they want to talk, but the conversation is painful; they want to trust, but their body and emotional memory cannot keep pace with the decision. This is why, in another study, I focused on relational mindfulness, understood as the ability to be consciously present in contact with one鈥檚 partner.
Two groups of people who had experienced infidelity and remained in their relationship participated in the study concerning the Polish adaptation of a tool measuring relational mindfulness: 187 and 404 individuals. The results confirmed that relational mindfulness is a distinct and measurable dimension of functioning within an intimate relationship. Importantly, it is not simply the same as general mindfulness. Someone may be mindful in everyday life while finding it extremely difficult to remain mindful in the presence of a partner who has hurt them.
This finding is particularly important to me because it shows that mindfulness after infidelity does not necessarily mean immediate calm. Sometimes it means having the courage to see what is truly happening between partners: tension, fear, automatic reactions, distrust, but also attempts to rebuild connection. Mindfulness does not always soothe straight away. Sometimes it first allows people to stop pretending that 鈥渆verything is already fine鈥�.
Someone says: 鈥淒on鈥檛 let yourself be treated like that鈥�. Even if these messages are prompted by concern, they can be an additional burden for the person who has been betrayed.
There is another element that often remains in the background and yet, in practice, can be very powerful: the voices of other people. After infidelity, a decision is rarely made in silence. Someone says: 鈥淟eave.鈥� Someone else says: 鈥淕ive them one more chance.鈥� Someone reminds the betrayed person about the children, the family, the shared home, the years spent together. Someone says: 鈥淒on鈥檛 let yourself be treated like that.鈥� Even if these messages are prompted by concern, they can become an additional burden for the betrayed person.
That is why, in my subsequent research, I focus on what I call perceived social influence after infidelity. It is not only a matter of whether a person has support. Equally important is the type of message they receive: whether those around them pressure them to end the relationship, pressure them to stay, or instead support them in making their own decision. In two studies involving a total of 490 participants, I examined whether these different forms of social influence could be organised and measured. The findings indicate that pressure to leave, pressure to stay and autonomy-supportive neutrality are three distinct experiences.
Love Under the Pressure of Modern Life
One common story emerges from these studies: contemporary relationships are spaces of intimacy but also of considerable expectations and burdens. A relationship may burn out before anyone identifies it as a crisis. Infidelity may cause pain not only because a boundary has been crossed, but also because of how that boundary was understood. Recovery after being hurt requires not only a decision, but also mindfulness, resources and the ability to hear one鈥檚 own voice among the voices of others.
What Can Be Important for People in Relationships?
Firstly, it鈥檚 worth noticing relationship fatigue before it turns into indifference. If intimacy begins to feel like an obligation, conversations become purely organisational and a partner鈥檚 presence creates more tension than comfort, this may be a sign that the relationship lacks resources.
Secondly, it鈥檚 worth discussing boundaries before they are crossed. Fidelity does not always mean exactly the same thing to both partners. What one person sees as an innocent exchange of messages may be perceived by the other as the beginning of emotional infidelity.
Thirdly, after a crisis, there is no need to know immediately what to do. The decision to leave or remain is often a process. At such moments, it is worth distinguishing one鈥檚 own needs from the pressure of others, even when that pressure comes from people who genuinely mean well.
And fourthly, mindfulness in a relationship is not about pretending to be calm. Sometimes it means honestly acknowledging: 鈥淚t still hurts鈥�, 鈥淚 still do not trust鈥�, 鈥淚 am afraid鈥�, 鈥淚 do not know鈥�. Only from such an acknowledgement can a genuine conversation begin.
Research on relationships does not provide simple answers: stay or leave, forgive or do not forgive, fight for the relationship or let go. It can, however, help us better understand what happens to people when love encounters overload, hurt and decisions that no one else can make on their behalf.
References:
D臋bska, J. & Wal臋cka-Matyja, K. (2026). Adaptation and validation of the Polish version of the Relationship Mindfulness Measure in the context of relationship distress following infidelity. Archives of Psychiatry and Psychotherapy, 28(3), 74鈥�82.
Thompson, A. E., Theis, R., Willhite, R., & D臋bska, J. (2025). Love on Empty: The Development and Validation of a Comprehensive Scale to Measure Burnout in Modern Relationships. Behavioral sciences (Basel, Switzerland), 15(12), 1737.
Photos: Dr Bartosz Ka艂u偶ny, Centre for External Relations and Social Responsibility of the University, 91桃色
Source: Julitta D臋bska, 91桃色 Doctoral School of Social Sciences
Edit: Dominik Nogala; Centre for External Relations and Social Responsibility of the University, 91桃色
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